so, here we are again. 

it's one thirty pm and i should be doing work but my brain is refusing for an unknown reason. it's been fed triple what a regular person needs, it's had coffee, it's had sleep, it's just mysteriously on strike. I'll give it til three and then begins the whipping.

yes, i'm typing out numbers. as several days ago i 'helped' macbook by cleaning it... and all the keys got schizophrenia and multiple personalities and whatever else their problems. still debating whether to resign to a life of copying and pasting numbers and exclamation marks and brackets or shell out the cash for a snappily dressed a-bit-too-cheery Apple geek to fix it. 

why i'm being stingy on the gold coins when it comes to this is as mysterious as today's malfunctioning noggin, though, after spending up big the last few days on many pointless things and many things that weren't pointless even though they seem pointless to the outside world.. DAMN YOU HOUSE STORE/PAPER SHOPS/CHOCOLATIERS/JB HIFI. 

So it goes. 

I also paid the extravagent fee that one pays these days for cinema adventures (when IIIIII was a boy, we walked ten miles to school and the talkies cost five cents and you got a bowl of licorice frogs and ... <- old man voice needed here, clearly ) to see the fine fellow pictured above, in action with my sister ( as in.. sister and i both saw him, not see him in action WITH my sister, that would be gross... too gross  ) .

And it got me thinking about human attraction to escapist films, why I become giddy at the site of nostalgic English smog-and-rooftops scenes and why we so badly want to delve into worlds where magic and/or protective grandfathery wizards exist. I... oh. This pre-amble took me my whole break to write, thanks to copy and pasting brackets , and now it's time to go.

I'll be back, blog. I'll be back. To fill you in on the aforementioned thoughts, on scenarios involving emotionally stunted russian-speaking neighbours, on sausage-obsessed (the edible kind, mind out of gutter please :o ... and yes, i know 'they're both edible' but seriously :I ..  ) housemates and all the other pointless factoids that my 'life' revolves around today. Note the quotation marks because since these are the insignificant and not particularly noteworthy , the title 'life', that implies some kind of progress, adventure or at least..movement, is not quite deserved. :I 

anyhow. the pathetic attempts at rain and the glorious sounds of my ipod are calling me.

xx

not drowning, waving

from inside a sea of letterist, situationist, marxist readings, as well as those against them, and all the blue links they require clicking on. no idea of my own thoughts as yet (had never even heard of these letterists prior to today) but well and truly off the essay path and treading through the bush. 

"All that was once directly lived has become mere representation. The decline of being into having, and having into merely appearing.". I like. 

a HOUSE. (said with the tone of the King in the King and I..)

Mmm. Not sure if you grew up on that movie like I did, Blog, but I could repeat it scene by scene. So to make sense, the title has to be said with Yul Brenner's tone while conceding to Buddha to "give this woman...a house" (insert "Mrs. Anna" 's joyful face here). Anyway...

Houses. They've got me thinking (well, correction the perfect coffee just ingested and the backlog of SCOTS readings when crossbred with buying toaster yesterday and talking to friend about her impending housemove has me thinking. ABOUT houses. But details schmetails).

I can't cook particularly well. I can't. It's a fact. One I want to remedy but a fact none the less (although it's all perspective I spose. I've managed to feed myself and numerous others for years, so I spose I CAN cook, but Nigella Lawson and Jamie Oliver would likely frown at the presentation etc when it came to 'plating up'. (ohhh masterchef, what have you done to my brain? (wow, it's very early for brackets inside brackets inside brackets) ) ).  And yet stores like House thrill me to pieces. Itty bitty domestic and tragically feminine pieces. My urge to nest is contrary to most other aspects of my personality, I think (irresponsibility and spontenaiety, being two that come to mind). But it's there. And drags me along on spending sprees re: jars and appliances and mugs and teapots, far too often.

If I wanted to get all oldschool psych on you, Blog, I'd suggest it was some kind of childhood of insecurities and feeling out of place, that drove me to be so thrilled everytime I migrated because it was another opportunity to make the blank ready-to-rent kitchen mine, to adorn bedrooms and living rooms with things that meant something to those dwelling there. To make cold open spaces cosy (with no talent whatsoever, don't get me wrong! I'm far from a skilled interior decorator. ). It's not even just the decoration though. The function matters also. Appliances that cook homely foods. Vacuums that clean my little world so nicely. A love of doing the dishes. It's all quite baffling. 

So is the strange fact that the other night I had a dream that , in opposition to my assumption of the future, I wasn't working, I was childrearing. Since when was that my goal? Since when did I even WANT little rugrats running around my house-with-cat-and-rug ? Gotta love the dreams that jolt you into realising you're maybe not who you thought you were. Even thinking about it in daylight it makes a large amount of sense. 

Are my twenties to blame for this? I don't know. I hope so. I hope it's that and not a sudden rush ( patriarchal society in a panic about it's downfall ? ) of subtle promotions re: women at home , that I've noted on tv, starting to get to me.  

But at the moment, I actually see no problem with that. Combining work with it would of course be idea, but am definitely recognising that little developing-psychologically children (damn you subject, damn you for infiltrating my brain irreversibly) would likely have a similar effect to toasters. Re: the home / family / nest / world .. thing. 

In the words of Alice.. curiouser and curiouser, that's for sure.

In other news though... It's sunday morning and 10am and I've already completed a fraction of the mountains of work to do today. And my ambition to make it slow, is well underway. I'm sitting here in baggy jeans and singlet by the 'fire' and have only stood up briefly thus far. It's peaceful. And interesting. And ... I don't know. I spose some might say I'm happy. Which is as disturbing as all the above. Because  a lot of this is the direct and indirect result of the Boy. Sickening as it sounds, it's not JUST his presence and all the things he says and does, that is influencing my general life attitude. But it's also things he doesn't mean to do... he actually inspires me, makes me wise, makes me productive, makes me BETTER. why? how?! WHO CAN SAY :I but I like it. And therefore fear losing it. Which is a new thing. One I'm not a fan of. 

But why dwell? 

In other other news... I watched half an hour of that incredibly shit "Meteor" movie last night, instead of the years I've spent avoiding such horrific ideas. And instead of being sickened with fear, as the phobia of apocalypse would dictate, I just laughed and changed channels. So far from the Theresa who collapsed into tears with Swan in the middle of the quad at Queens due to being told that something was currently hurtling towards earth and was due in 2 days. My my..the times they are a'changin' ... 

It's a bit scary to think I don't know where my mind will evolve to next :I but quite exciting. And turns out I have a fair bit of control over it afterall.....

Ah, life. 

lack of jam and hail to the turtles.

so... it's 10 30 on a Saturday morning and my plan had been to be juuuuust getting up now, easing into the day with some good toast, good jam, good coffee and perhaps even good company.

I've been up for hours though. Running around doing various things I promised I would and until about 10 minutes ago (when I sprawled out on this couch after switching on the fire (is that fun or disturbing to say? i can't decide which) armed with early morning chocolate fix) I could hear my heart pounding exhausted in my ears as I walked back and forth down Elizabeth St in the cold meeting this person and that person and going about general duties. Not that I don't love that. I do. But this morning was meant to be slower.

Point is though, I used to hate slow. HATE slow. Which I maintain is the reason behind my love of coffee. The faster one goes the less one thinks, basically. Plus franticness serves as good motivation when you have none. Translating into doing things better, making better choices and all around having more energy when slower, but having more of your own thoughts rather than a to-do list stapled to your edgy jumping spazzed out noggin. 

Now, though, I love slow. I love my own thoughts. I love that I love them. I love being lazy. I love that I don't need caffeine for motivation because I have enough of that on my own. Love having time. All of it. So this morning I realised how much I appreciate mornings and moments that I might have hated years ago .

And right now, being still is heaven. Even though it's not going to last. Because soon there are things to do, uni work, escapades to shops, other Saturday things. But the fact that it's fleeting just makes it all the more tasty.

Turtles have it right. They do. I'm going to follow their slow lead for the majority of my time now, I think. Living to 100 I guess they had time to learn a lot about life..

furthermore

i have figured out how to link and paste in pictures etc.

i hope this means ill add more substance to this contraption.

it may not. who can tell? 

watch this space. 

maybe.

some things that suck

i would like to pause, for a moment, with my relatively merry and often disturbingly disney view of life, if i may, to dedicate this post to some stupid things. Things that make me squint my eyes and shoot evil arrows of venom in their direction or imaginary steam rush out of my ears. Because lord knows, there's quite a long list of them and today about 9,000 things were added to it. (don't get me wrong, it's a rocking day, actually. But mainly because several big things eclipse the many smaller crappier bits, big things like tasty food and stupendous boys. you know how it goes.) ANYHOO..

First cab off the rank, companies without a toll free number for complaints. I'm sorry, but why should your clients or whatever you like to call them spend their cold cash twiddling their thumbs to the sound of elevator music while you're trying to fix an error that isn't their fault. 

Next, and this one has cropped up in the last 5 minutes, actually (mm fresh and tasty! hot outta the oven!) ... people who sit in silent areas talking loudly about who's had sex on what furniture. Yes, this is a common hate but i didn't claim to be original when i started this cathartic rant. My every thought is being pierced by their 'silence' and images of people I don't know getting sweaty on couches and footstools. no thanks. pass. get out. NOW. 

Itunes. You sneaky thing you. I have a suggestion. If you want me to buy music from you, make it so that I can then move the songs onto cds and the like. You're 'only able to move once aka into itunes' format isn't saving your tunes ship from piracy, it's just making people not bother to board. 

Bananas. Specifically the one i just ate. For ageing too speedily (yes a lot of these seem to have the recurrent theme of lack of control at their core..) .

And to the super surly girl at the Village coffee shop..SMILE. seriously. You're sucking the joy out of my coffee drinking. You can have bad days, sure. Everybody does. But have you ever even had a good day ? Are you ever not sarcastic and keen to accidentally overcharge? Do you ever make good coffee (yes, this part is my own fault. i could go elsewhere. but it's pot luck whether she or the other lady are on and the other lady is lovely! that cafe is an all-too-conveniently located jekyll and hyde. And the convenience part means I'm always willing to take the gamble, and then whine when i lose. Probably shouldn't. But hey. ) ? Did you ACTUALLY HAND ME COFFEE TODAY AND INSTRUCT ME TO MICROWAVE IT BEFORE DRINKING AS IT MAY NOT BE WARM ENOUGH? You work at a place with an abundance of chocolate bars, cake and sandwiches. Eat one and let it's sugary seratonin-inducing smileyness float into your brain . Actually...maybe I'll do that now and pause with the rage.

oh. shazaam. that worked. is there anything food can't do? :o

i think i'll get on with the study now. 

And by study i do mean scrabble. we all know this is true. but then study. fo' real, .

several hours later again..

.. it's amazing what then winning the next game of scrabble, a gorgeous boy who actually understands what the frick you're on about and an almost-real fireplace can do for the soul .