procrastinamation

if I could draw. I would be drawing right now. procrast-animation, it would be.

but sadly, I can only draw maybeeee...50% of the time. So it goes.

Instead I'll write things in here, between writing essay paragraphs. I was originally procrastinafacebooking but it started to disturb me (i'll get to that). 

First off though, is it just me or is everything pretty? not just pretty...but beautiful. I don't just mean rain and fog and Prague etc etc etc. I mean EVERYTHING. I was standing in our bathroom 5 minutes ago and staring at our HIDEOUS tiling and it struck me how lovely it was, in all its revoltingness. Just the contrast, the texture, I don't know... everything is beautiful, even ugly things, especially ugly things, in fact. It's odd. And now I'm staring at the red felt board in front of me that has been stabbed with my coloured pins and photos and can't help looking PAST the photos to the point where they've just become a bunch of strangely shaped squares all over something red, and that too is just..pretty. Bother. The world is distracting, even when doing nothing. I do actually want to do essays, I'm just paragraphically challenged today. 

I tried dawdling on Flickr but that leads to HOURS so closed it. 

Facebook distraction was also intended but that Feed was nagging something inside me with photos I didn't particularly want to see. Or rather, thoughts I didn't want to think because they make no sense. Isn't it strange that you can be so completely happy in one place, and want it on all levels (conscious, subconscious, whatever) and have zero intention of leaving it and be so aware that you're joyous and it's the best place in life to be, and yet see photos of something horrible and shipwrecked and going nowhere but because it was yours once, it stabs you just a tiny bit that it's not anymore? Be it friends, situations, houses, exes. It makes no difference. Its the same feeling. 

And you know that if you were back there again you'd hate it. It's why you're not! Quite bizarre.

Something else that is bizarre... is the snail. There's one on my window and I'll never ever get over how strange they are. He's probably thinking the same thing.

This was a pointless post. But they're the best kind sometimes.

 

and I thought 9 was early...

It's now 5 30. I've been up since 5 after a mysteriously restless eve and my shoulders are aching from rolling around in bed . Sounds bad, but actually isn't.

It started with an sms. from a boy who blows my mind. really. he's quite simply amazing. and so is getting to wake up and smile like that. I actually missed him last night, which isn't normal for me. The usual is regardless how grand the boy is, space is VERY much valued and when you have a night on your own you secretly thank the heavens and don't want it to end. It's not that nights on my own are horrible now, not at all. It's more that there's a definite 'if you were here, that would be quite lovely..' feeling. Or maybe a 'you belong around me?! where are you?!' feeling. I don't know. I'm too sleeeeepy to identify. But I like it. And I like him. And so many things...about him. I am officially way way WAY lucky. And can't believe I was so skeptical to begin with about something that has panned out to be a highlight of being awake daily. Truly. 

i lost it.

 
I don't know where the bursting need to ramble came from but I think it stemmed from the lady who sat down opposite me about half an hour ago.
I was curled up sinking into those massive red chairs reading the Murakami I hadn't read yet (After Dark. Too short. WHY DO PEOPLE WRITE SO MANY SHORT BOOKS THESE DAYS?! Portion sizes at restaurants are getting bigger and books are getting smaller. When I rule the world it will be the other way around. By law. ) and she sat down in her Sass & Bides and started reading Woman's Day. I have nothing against Woman's Day, I spose. And I have lots of respect for those ladies behind S&B after watching that documentary on them AND wearing those jeans at a friend's and being awed by the softness BUT ...something about her made me sick. Actually physically feel sick. I'm the epitome of judgemental. Since when?! I pride myself on being the opposite. What's happening to me?!? She picked up the newspaper on the chair next to her, scanned it (looking for short pieces on creepy couples and dogs that can surf, perhaps? ) then threw it on the floor and went back to reading about Britney's bad boys. So then I was thinking about how on earth I came to be so arrogant about what I let into my head and what I listen to. And the fact is, I definetely take in my fair share of trash. Which led me to thinking about why.
It's not only because I can't escape it and it seeps into my pores every time I turn a corner and face a billboard , there's also choice involved. Trash is deliciously numbing. Isn't that why we're so obsessed with it ? Apparently so.
Which leaves you trying to decide..do I want to be numb, working blindly in hospitality, smiling over counters at business men and discussing the newest MIchael Buble (although a few of his songs are actually fairly pretty...) , numbing the feelings that are so big and odd that they make me physically sick ? Sometimes I do. But then, at moments like just before the lady sat down, where I dissolve into the warm bath of mute thought , I don't know anymore. The sick feeling is less comfortable but at least I know it's me. It scares me how good I am at NOT being me, sometimes. It really does. I hope that happens to other people as well...

I guess a blend is needed. The last time I totally ditched my fraudulent unthinking self I lost 10kgs & a large chunk of sanity. Every now and then numbness is needed for long enough to get on with life, I think.
Although to be fair, sometimes numbness isn't needed, and the sickness and the huge feelings and trains of thought and I all get along fine and I'm me but still functioning. It goes without saying, that those times are the best.

Also, it seems so ..something. To be treating my own garble as important enough to write down. That's not it at all. It's much more a case of if I don't ..I'll explode.

random shit.

o I was going to go to bed insanely early, but clearly I didn't. Partly because the main appeal of that was the actual bed part, and that conundrum was solved by pulling my computer  under blankets, which is where I am now. Yes. Under. I'm not lying on my bed. I'm not lying in it. I'm lying UNDER (which involves a bit of a makeshift doona tent, or cave of some sort..its quite lovely. very warm and very hidden). Add to this the fact that I'm armed with tea and old fashioned granny biscuits and its all super. You'd think I was 12. Sometimes its mandatory though, to spend a Friday night being a homely freak . Particularly if your sheets are nice. And mine are.

Can I just say..

Wiping the world of TV and its nasty little friends, as the hippy in one of my tutes argued is the only solution, is a dumb ass idea. I won't go into why. Because I'm lazy at the moment. We just need to make sure we filter what we see. And keep our own opinions and logic on tap. Vital step, that. Clearly.

We don't need societal watchdogs trying to reign in free speech or trying (in vain) to pull certain things out of circulation etc etc, its a waste of time. Seriously. We just need to use our own working noggins to unpack what we see and REALISE THAT WE'RE SOMEBODY'S TARGET AUDIENCE.
Rah. its like the obesity thing. And so many other things. A bit of education goes a long way. Weight Watchers doesn't need to be telling people what to eat (for a decent sum of cash I might add) , people should be educated on calories. "Give a man a fish..." as they say. But I spose it's not in Weight Watchers interests to promote the fact their 'points' system is just calorie counting and that people can do it on their own, without the expensive 'special' products. I swear so much of this world involves pointless middle men. We're so lazy. Or have so little faith in ourselves that we get other people to tell us what to do. No..I'm just ranting now. I should just go to bed.

Anyway, my point is, filtering information not taking everything as fact. I can't believe I'm writing this down. Its self evident. But apparently we, as a culture, are failing at it so... :/ maybe by writing it down I'm more likely to avoid it. Maybe its one of those things us kids think we'll stand by but eventually we cave and end up with catalogue living rooms, smooth jazz collections and crying kids covered in juice (not sure where the juice part came from. but moving right along..) . But I hope not. If despising this kind of thing IS one of those idealistic lifestyles people go through and just grow out of, I'll just make sure I won't. Simple.  
Mm. Phone rang. Lost my train of thought. And half a biscuit has drowned.

Still,  its really hard to remain frustrated , when little things are so damn pleasing. Today sucked, for many reasons, and plus there's always the weird king of hollow thing inside me , but that said..it was a great day anyway and come evening time that always seems to be the feeling. The hundreds of little things outweigh the big frustrating ones by far, good way to stay sane seems to be to just jump from newspapers and staying bed on Saturday mornings, to observing nifty cloud patterns, to uncorking champagne, to fresh books, to new songs, to kisses on cheeks from cute boys in cardigans, to making the first dent in the icecream, to funky buttons (I found 3 today. what are the odds?),to puppies, to people. A life that has days constructed like that can't be bad!!

But I digress..

Actually..there wasn't anything to digress from. I'm just going to go.

In summary, fuck you all, I have tea and biscuits, a kick ass tent and a bunch of politics things I want to read ... I see no reason to leave right now. Happy Friday ^^

P.S. This could also have been titled..."What the heck am I going to do with my life? I have to choose placement today and its stirring the kind of thoughts I've been hiding from for weeks?!" ..or "Yes, its going to suck when you go.." ...or "Damn you Kate and your constant stealing of my milk without replacement!" ...all of which sum up the afternoon equally and better than 'random shit' ever could.

this has no title

People who headline things with that title frustrate the heck out of me. Because it OBVIOUSLY FREAKING DOES. If THERE IS SOMETHING NEXT TO "TITLE: " IT HAS ONE. RAH.


Mm. What a rage-filled opener! Which is odd because there's actually far less rage floating around inside me than the norm was a few months ago. It's not gone, it's just kind of had parts of it..poured into things and other parts buried.


I sense a random kind of a post ahead. The last two were ABOUT things. This is not. I'm listening to ...(checks iTunes) Vetiver and selected Ray Lamontagne (some of his stuff is insanely irritating, other parts are completely divine. he's better live and acoustic though, I must say. There's something less moving about a raspy bearded guitar wielding man when he's backed by techno touchups and whatever else. not always the case but definetely is in his).

It's a Sunday and I'm just kind of floating .
Disconnected.
Meant to be shopping with Swan but have delayed it for bit.
Went into the city by myself, milled around loving the buildings and the chill and Dostoyevsky and the (whole new amounts of) coffee. Then the second everybody else was up and in there and looking for someone to offload the weekend tales to, I left. Sometimes I just can't do it.
I WILL go find people. Just not yet.

Never ceases to amaze me how many people are inside each of us. Nor the fact that despite this, some people are still so boring. Is that because they pick one person (usually the one-of-many cookie-cutter, lame-ass sheep version of themselves, the play-it-safe option pulled right off Jay-jays billboards and Neighbours dialogue. Ew. ) and hide the others away? Or are there actually a handful out there who genuinely have just one side to them? Does that mean they escape the violent inner battles between all the different selves? That might be nice. But apart from that..I like it better this way.

In the last week I've been at least four different people. All honestly, but all different.

One Theresa is obsessed with techno pop and dancing blindly in weird flashing lights to Uffie and the Presets with crazy German backpackers, smokes and likes it loud. That Theresa is expensive :/ I've spent far too much money this week. But the saving for travel is oddly still panning out well . Maybe I spend less than I realise or earn more than I realise, but my suspicion is just that I spend on stupid things and skimp on essentials I don't count as essential... :/ oh dear. Each to their own priorities though right??

Another Theresa is obsessive about grades and cleanliness and organisation and productivity. How this Theresa gets along with the Theresa who stays with the people interstate where they spend countless hours lying on the grass  listening to Nick Cave and the Beatles , calling in sick to work and living out of the same clothes for 3 days, I'll never know. But it works.

There's Theresa who hates the world. So much that she can't sleep. Not the world per se, but a lot of the people in it, without ever having met them, just by meeting the damage they leave behind, on people, on buildings, on the ground, whatever. That Theresa's a testament to how having multiple personalities works, because needs the other Theresas to get out of bed in the morning.

There's Theresa who loves the world. Every little speck of dirt, every cliched natural beauty, every smell, every second, even the bad ones.

The Theresa writing this is the one who's removed from it all. Folk music blaring , phone being ignored , happy to just read and eat and be alone forever. But another Theresa would be dead without her friends and loves so many people so hugely that it hurts.

I..oh. bother. All Theresas like chocolate. And the urge has hit. I shall return....